mini-concert

i'm skeptical reading the announcement of St Mary of the Angels' choral presentation "..first ever angelic choral presentation..!"

angelic? the only 'angelic' choir i heard was the Archdiocese's choir!!! but i guess since St Mary's have a music director whom i saw was correcting the cantors in singing-prounciations in every detail and there are cantors who have improved a lot after that i guess it would be better than before

but it's really cool that Friar Derrick's gonna sing for the choral presentation after his awesome performace at Kampong Nite, i guess most of the parshioners can never get enough of that! :D

a comment

which is very common that got me thinking

"why don't you do it yourself and then talk about it"

i'd realised i'm guilty of saying that as well but after these words directed me made me realise that  some of the comments from those who can't do what i can do yet still make remarks about it are worth reflecting about instead of retort. i hear people who aren't in Church choir, "The choir/cantor cannot sing lah!" Of course the next reaction would be, "You go sing lah."

Most of the "That choir/cantor cannot sing lah!" cannot sing. They really sing off-pitch, some even tone-deaf but  they can appreciate the essence of music. They appreciate the demands its essence - perhaps the core of its existence! - thus express in their own way although not technically nor in detail.

not every remark must be taken into consideration. not that i can hold back to "bad" comments. it's really how at peace one is with oneself that the person grows into understanding and maturity and learns that one is able to distinguish what's to be or not to be taken into reflection

maybe it's the weather..

i get depressed at extreme high and low temperatures..

but what i'm dealing with right now is how am i going to survive 3 days half-alone

what's more in my mind is...i duno..i wanna make new friends but ends up in..nothing. i'd realised i've nothing to offer, really nothing. i've tried again and again "hey let's go out some time." they go "okay." but really they are in their own world. they dun call me out. they rarely reach out. guess they'd be better off without me.

everyone wants to belong to a group of friends to share and enjoy. i still want that. but it doesn't happen to me. perhaps it's because of my lack of confidence or i've known those - in the end - i don't belong to my new friends' perference of interests

i've lost all condfidence in singing too, i can't sing like i used to..perhaps it's bcos i'm pinning my hopes on just one genre only. i hope one day i have the confidence to sing what i wanna sing on stage..

i've too much on my mind perhaps..

?2

according to shops it's the Christmas season

but why don't i feel Christmas-y?

?

it's a big challenge to explain my drawings and poetry to my counsellor cos i've never explained to anyone before. i guess as an artist one has to be able to tell people about your work, perhaps to let them know a little more about yourself.

my counsellor also gave me a book. It was written by a person of a different religion but it's universal. Again i'm challenged by "Catholicism being the deepest and closest ever to God". Every religion has its "exterior" but the core of living seems to echo in similarity from one orthodox religion to another - i understand what he means but i may have misinterpreted from his exact words. i really wonder at that. i dare not join any inter-religious dialouge for fear i may lead myself astray from my own faith. This challenge i have yet to explore more about it, perhaps when i have the time after my exams.

i like it

when i'm free, when i dun have to commit about issues

but there are times when i can't turn a blind eye. it is these times that i ask myself whether i've done the right thing by saying or doing. To which i did the right thing but the way i do is wrong. So that is why i can't do this alone

i just wish this issue's off my hands soon. Really can't run from it. Cos i started it by standing up and fought not for what i stand for but what the Church Stands on

mom's right. i'm in a community. wat i do if i leave? rot ah? not say that they can't live without me..but it seems that i'm the only who learnt much and am taught to stand up against something if it's not alongside with the Church's teaching - as to how and whether it's the right place n time, that's on a case-by-case basis

no matter how hard i try to leave, it seems like the unseen issues of the community gets me forcefully back

not fair...i just want rest...i just dun wan to get involved...but still this issue, somehow it must be addressed

i feel that i'm always the hated one. i wake people up - that's why they hate me. i tell them nicely with the intention for them to be better people or to make situations better for them yet they turn around n "shoot" me. it has come to a point that i'm tired. i just want to live my life on my own without getting involved people whom i dun want to get myself involved in - i want to breathe

perhaps in doing so i may have become selfish for the wrong reasons..eek

i have this..

bad feeling of what my future would be..sigh..as if i'm not rejected enough

humanly, it's impossible

so, aaargh, had to reach out..n Trust..nya..give me time...U Know my plans..

:o

Shimp'-sama only back next Fri....so's ka..

sa, yudan sezu ikou! XD

a no...pray for us too lah X3

i feel

i'm going crazy

i dun wan commitments, i hate them for now..perhaps it's because i think people are putting obligations on me when actually they are not - i have the right to choose how i want to react - or whether i want to react to any unseen obligation

friendship can be a burden when someone puts an obligation on me

and smses...i'm not really keen on them right now...maybe bcos i need the time to focus on my exam

i'm rushing myself too much

St John Vianney @ Church of the Holy Cross Singapore

http://www.serrasingapore.org/event_Y4PHC_Oct09.html

you need to scroll down to "Year For Priests @ Holy Cross Programmes" to see the programmes

Church of the Holy Cross
450 Clementi Avenue 1
Singapore 129955
Tel 67775858
Fax 67735676

counselling

only takes place when there's a significant change in my life...which i'm struggling to come to terms with it. i'm really forced out of my comfort zone into many unknown n struggling zones which will lead ultimately to the worst non-comfort zone - something that i wish it'll never happen..but somehow i've to come to terms with it..yet i wish it wouldn't happen

it's been

long since i blog here

i'd realised i can do so many very basic things without thinking - very naturally

it was then i remembered that my counsellor told me that my basic mechanisms had been seriously affected by the many traumas that i'd gone through

it was counselling that helped me to realise things, even Coffee Bean and morning snacks. There are many more things that i'd realised

but most amazingly is that i could do basic things so naturally that i wonder if it's true, that i start doubting myself. but it's the truth that i can now

i'm like a baby starting to crawl..

must

totally guilty of what i've done..Confession is a must

i told God too, that if i can't find a jpb within this period of time it means that i've failed my previous subject. Somehow i feel that if i pass i wouldn't be satisfied, cos i dun think i did my best for it

but if i pass it'll be good, less one subject. Cos this current subject isn't as easy as i'd thought it'd be

another one..

the earth just lost one of its good servants

from the time i was running around til he was still around to a certain extend i kinda miss him. To me cancer didn't take him down but it was God who Decided that it was Time for him to go back Home

We miss u, we pray with u as u walk on the final journey

Always remembered

bye Fr R

din get to say goodbye to Fr Renckens..his passing passed me by, i wasn't informed. i was only informed of a extremely popular Priest's situation

being a kid i couldn't remember Fr Renckens much. All i could remember was the usual weekends where normally he would celebrate Mass. Come to think of it, i can't remember if i had even went to him for Confession

but what struck me was that in February this year he already knew his "Way of the Cross" had begun! Does that mean he knew he was going to 'go'?! However being not a frequent goer to where Fr was based i didn't know anything about his ailment until a (very) later time because he was still moving around although with a little hobble over to another Church and spoke like any ordinary day from the pulpit - not long after his serious operation - or was it operationS?! *faint*

As months passed cancer had confined him to bed, his journey was ever more painful and his request for prayers grew even more frequent..as if he knew he was going but it was just a matter of time..?

i thought he was alright and my days hadn't been easy for me too so i din check the forum. It was Paps' blog which i'd always surf by that i learnt of Fr R's passing. Surfed by the forum - ah, he passed away last Fri and there was a memorial service with visitations days before the service

i feel terrible not being able to know anything but somehow am in the comfort that Father may know that there's this one soul who's earnestly praying and thinking of him. And maybe this passed me by maybe because to remind me that his journey's not over yet? That he still needs prayers before he could look down at us from Heaven - and perhaps remember this soul that used to play with the animals in the - "farm" - as i call it still remembers him

thus my tribute to Fr R

remember
much
i cannot
yet absence
hurts in my heart

sadly missed by all
fondly spoken by all
but i know you'll look down at us
in Heaven
where you stand tall X3

love

i've always wondered what a marriage is
this teaches me more than that
Be it
Husband Wife
Boyfriend Girlfriend
Besties
Friends
Aquintances
this tells me
what
Love is

disobedience, i paid for it

see, Father says never record his talks. Unfortunately cos my mom's working so she seldoms joins Friday nights so i thought of surprising her with the recording. In the end, i didn't listen carefully to Father's talk, the recording came out bad, worse i offered to transcript for her - n i'm paying the price of transcripting 30 minutes of talktime which i'd only did 6 minutes of it during the past two hours. i'm so dying to give up now cos it's so wrong to transcript i think - n it's really tedious

i've never disobeyed Father before. All along i've been molded by my ex-leaders to obey our Spiritual Director, not matter how ridiculous and outrageous it sounds - as long as it's in accordance to the Bible of course.

Only last night i decided to. Now I'm paying the full price for it.

Morale of the story: NEVER EVER DISOBEY HIM AGAIN

faith

i'd realised the "power" of my voice...it's just that i'm afraid to use it

anyway of all places i - being the paranormal-sensitive one - freaked out in the car when my friends said we're going to Dempsey Road! But surrounded by people with great faith nothing really happened - though i was sensitive in the beginning of the journey

but i perhaps i wasn't feeling well that i puked much later in the toliet - discreetly - and thank goodness for water spray! - the toliet was clean like no one has ever puked in it

i had so much fun and we got into serious life sharing moments - must be the alcohol and the night got a little late

but i still had to pay for my share - a whooping $30 - not easy, cos i'm not earning $ n this month's pretty tight

in the end, good and bad

but it was their faith that i'm impressed and inspired - nothing can harm them

09 July post

was crying while watching Natsume Yuujinchou, feeling Natsume's loneliness and his feelings towards the sad tale of the spirits who came to see him, either for help or just to talk to..it is a lonely world when one can see spirits, people like me would avoid too but because i can sense, so that kinda keeps me "as one" with them

but the reason i cried is because i feel very lonely. i keep asking myself why am i always lonely, no matter how many friends i have, i still want someone tangible to lean on - is it too much to ask?

maybe i can't see now as yet, cause i still feel lonely

i guess until the day i stop crying because of loneliness i'd able to see

Perhaps the hardest thing to block is the "lonely" vibes that i'm giving out because i don't want to attract the wrong energy. But in faith i would prefer leaning to my guardian angel for shielding me - at least that helps me to hang on until i am home for full vibe release - relief siah

after that night's incident it's getting really harder not to ignore that me, as a human, is more aware of spirits co-exisiting on the same earth

「羊ガ...」

all my thoughts of being demanded too much flew out of the window of my mind when i listened to the counting sheep tracks..

in the end..

まい..

i'm at a loss

while searching for jobs i searched for voice talent companies to see if they are recruiting. but again i'd realised it's so professional: demo, about how many minutes (one of them said must have codec?), best get a voice coach to help u out...sigh..

there goes my wish to be an anime-English dubber

i think i'll just head back to sleep, very tired today

lessons learnt

2nd major lesson learnt: never ever disturb the silence within the vicinity of a funeral, no matter how far the distance

it was unintentional. We were looking for a place to jam and the only free spot was metres away from a Chinese funeral. At first i didn't feel good about the place but in my tiredness and really there was no place to sit. So we sit there. The longer i sat there, the more i felt that i had to leave. Again i thought it was my imagination and weakness.

But something did happen. I was really scared out of my wits, even now, as i'm typing.

But after this incident. I learnt 3rd major lesson: i was reminded we are all created in the image and likeness of God thus we shouldn't be afraid - by my good non-Christian friend.

And i learn to be closer to God. Like Saint Paul, no matter what the circumstances are, still he remained steadfast to Jesus. Still he "pursued" the life of holiness.

Still i reach out my hand to Jesus, no matter how fearful i am, no matter how i feel that i'm pulled down further into the the fearful darkness of the paranormal because i believe i will touch the Hand of Jesus and i will allow Jesus to Pull me away from my fear.

I had learnt to thank God more by even updating a ministry website that hasn't been updated for a long time which I keep thinking that no events = no updates. However i remembered that i used to type out Gospel passages to "fill in" when i cannot update any event.

There's a beautiful reflection today about suffering. That i will learn how to carry my cross in silent appreciation and not reject it.

And i'd also realised last night when i came home reflecting that even the smallest sin can seperate us from God, leaving us totally vunerable to anything.

all it took was one night of paranormal encounter which i will not describe but to get out of this fear as soon as possible.

thud

so what am i supposed to do now

---------

Kak's "indifference"..that i thought "is that possible" as she told me

now i finally understood that part

and i'm glad that i'm taught

cos things have changed since a time back..i'm no longer so crazy on anime like i used to, thanks to Muru

it's really hard when i wanna reach for the unseen when i suddenly realised i'm earth-bound

i ask myself why in the world do i want to continue some things that are so ungrounded?

it's hard to follow both St P & P, but if they want me to go, i will leave some situations behind 0 just leave them, get them settled some day

but i guess they may turn around n say to me, "Too much baggage"

Da...

without You, i am ABSOUTELY nothing (i'm so glad there's an absolute truth, thanks to Paps who nailed it straight into my wood XD)

Thank You

for allowing me to stay in the Room n know so much about myself. All i ask is the willingness to change even at the circumstances i'm facing now - it really seems impossible but it's because i forget that You are Always the "à l'encontre" = I M POSSIBLE

i want to be more aware of You to re-divert my attention to what i'm supposed to do when i'm off-course

BENNIEEEEE!!!

will pray for ur trip X3

responsibilities

are high although i've left a ministry. i'm guilty of neglecting that for two whole weeks!!! took me a looooong time to pick myself up n say - "Oi, no matter what, it's still a re-sp'sen-si-bi-li-ty"

sensibilty..responsiblity..they somehow rhyme n go hand-in-hand with each other

well, i'm glad i'm painfull aware of my negligence

not only that, i think i've neglected someone else too. She's been with me for so long. I hope she's ok. i will take responsibility for any wrongs n hurts that i've caused. Well, hoping for an outing with her! yaay! XD

Da..

thank You for yesterday

Perhaps You Knew i would be planning to spend some quiet time in the Room today

i've been waiting so long for this day - the worst hurt ever

but things are going to change, n they have begun to change. It's just that i need to be more aware - n when i am, i change

thank You that i'm on my own - is it Your Planning?

lots of things have happened...but, still, in the end...i'm back..

how can i forget?!

Feast of Saint Anthony of Padua!!!!!! Totally forgot :(

thank goodness i remembered..*phew*

Da

Thank you...please teach me to work on what's needed to be done since the answer's very clear now

why?

why always "no"?

why can't i be a kid?

why can't i be selfish like everyone else is?

why must i grow up?

i feel like a fish thrashing about when it's caught up in the net. Once swimming in its own waters, having its own way of dealing thing suddenly exposed - painfully, unable to breathe in its own waters again

but the Fisherman who Caught me Knows Better. He Knows that I'll grow better out of my cluster of thorns as I thrash about, learning to deal in new waters

it's a matter of me accepting - and trusting - that fact

Da

made all the effort to go early

spent some time in silence

got one whole day of fabulous time-arrangement

i don't really need to lift much of my fingers

all i did was to do my best

Thank You for them, Da

Thank You

tired burn out

thank me? i'm dead

it has come to a point that I'M TIRED and i'm looking forward to leave

loads off back

it's hard to say no. it's hard to see everyone pushing all responsibilites, expecting us to refill the position

But it is time

Time to step down, let those who have been relying too much on us to run their own show now

and it's even more frustration that they still find excuses to get me involved when ALL that i've done has been clearly explained and re-explained for the umpteenth time, adding "I'M OUT" as an ending to my sentence

although i still grumble that i still have an extra duty as an ordinary member but that's okay cos' i kinda figured that's not too much of a hassle anyway as i'm not going to be so involved like i used to

i was "whining" to my 2nd Spiritual Director why do i have to tell - step-by-step - the ex-leader how to do handover?

My 2nd Spiritual Director smiled brightly at me and said,"You did well." and i duno wat else he teased me with

standing away from him at an arm's length respectfully, i reached out and grabbed a small portion onto his long robe-sleeve and hanged my head and *whined* XD

but his "You did well." was the turning focal point in my life there - a recognition of all that i've sacrificed for the day: my studies, my other ministry duties

and that day was a day of surprises...i got to meet Vik, Brother Lionel (sigh, his email..grr), got teased by Fr. JW (nya as usual XD!!!!), ate great cakes and drank superb coffee, talked to Brother Derrick about anime n manga..he got to learn about yuri, yaoi and shounen-ai and BL and kansai-ben and we saw how they played with their dogs!!! We also got to see the bakery and sampled a few buns!!!!!! i got to see another friend of mine - so long din see her - KYAAA!!!

so, the other ministry...my resignation's approved but as to when's my last day i still need to ask our leader if my help's still needed - but i'd rather stick to the original date like i've initiated

Decision

i've made up my mind: minus one ministry, minus one core, no matter what..bcos in the end it is not exactly part of the community, i'm just...an extra.

And it's better that way cos i don't want to be involved in their petty exchanges and lack of enthusiasim..i've poured too many concerns on them - it's time i poured concerns into myself and concentrate on what i really wanna do

and pass my exams

sigh

no wonder i got no replies from my spiritual directors...

"you're adult, mature enough to make your own decisions." was Shimp'-sama's reply (Ivan sent to heaven - die laughing!!!! meow miss uuuuuu :3)

then, for every human, to take every consequence as it comes

i really duno how to handle, i duno wat decision to make

to quit or not to quit

that is the question

i'm tired i just want to indulge

my studies are taking a toll on me n i need all the time, i hate ministries now cos they've become a hinderance to me now - time's wasted

and to indulge in wat i want to do without any obligations - anime, Japanese, manga drawing..that's what i want..

but one ministry keeps holding me back n i get the feeling that i should stay on there

aaaargh

turn

it was a gloomy weather and the air was so dense that my sensitive lungs and depressed state that slowed me down, couldn't breathe properly due to the high atmospheric pressure, got me more depressed and more stressed that i hadn't been typing everything out

but i had been keeping my friend company smsing, trying my best to cheer him up and preoccupying him while he's stuck in camp - told myself i have the whole day to myself, i can sacrifice this time n continue typing in the wee hours of the morning

thinking very hard at how not to type everything out, how to add extra notes in without first printing the whole sh*t (sorry) out and having to reprint again, thinking if i should get a handphone that works like a Palm to ease the problem but then freaked out at money problems, that i'm alone, i've no one to really talk to and White Day is coming soon n i dun have a boyfriend - why the - i can't stay at home n think? why must i go for meeting cos it's obligatory?

well, because it's OBLIGATORY that i must go and bocs there's Spiritual input - solace for my soul and being together in the group to be commited in the group. What do i gain from it i won't know - but surely there's some reward for my hardwork and dedication to what i've been typing since last Thursday!

i did my best to smile, to participate and control my emotions but really i'm haywired with all the problems. There are some humourous reactions from people when i try to smile as i said some things and i breathed an inner sigh of relief that i'm not desocialising but mentally still in the group

halfway thru' a thought came to me: the reason i'm too stressed up is because i'm not enjoying what i'm doing like i should! if i enjoy i will lighten up and genuinely smile from the depths of my heart and shine and every1 would shine to every1 in response! Thinking of Yu Gi O and how he enjoys his card battles although he's battling very high-levelled opponents - i felt ashamed cos i used to learn and live out the anime's morals which are all good

but i used my untreated disassociation as an excuse to desocialise from someone who - did things to me which i'm still traumatised about - and my mom cos i dun understand what was going on with her n i need all the time to think my problems n listen to the edited mp3s i did - yet i tried my very best not to vent my frustrations on my mum - i did my very best

n to talk nicely - which was the hardest thing to do

then it was back to typing - couldn't escape from it, got to finish it

a cup of coffee to keep me awake, more i know to last me to 3am

mugs of water and another dose of Chinese-medicine-rashes-pills with all the problems in my head - i didn't how i got the "i dun have boyfriend" completely out of my head - all i did was i told myself to focus entirely on typing the whole thing out

then solutions started pouring in, one after another!

but the best thing is i didn't blame myself (i would do that very badly, cursing myself for being such a slow developer while friends ten years my junior are so much quicker and cleverer)

in the end, i decided to dedicate fighting my sleep to do this final entry of the day - uh, morning - XD to God

cos without Him, i wouldn't be what i am now

i'm not sure..

but..i have the gift of giving? well it seems that way..thing is: things i bought i dun normally keep to myself - in my opinion of what can be shared and not be shared [eg some females would show their lingerie purchase-bag(s!) and most may not] and would show to my friends to share the joy and let them have a try or i would use (at the moment it's still minus lingerie) what i have for the benefit of others, eg i have a printer, i print a document for my friends who doesn't have a printer)

it's not out of obligation - it's natural for me to share what can be shared and do what i can do

but it's a matter of balancing my concern for others and for myself that i have a problem with cos i find myself in extremes: too much for others neglecting myself which i'm not aware of and shutting out for a period of time

but no matter what, i had a good day today, there were things that were cleared and my heart feels so much lighter :3

today

Benny called, asked me if i'm going. i said no cos i'm still coughing. And he's off home for two weeks. Nice of him to call. But i was peeved - cos i was ready to quit - why borther me? And i'm outside with two of my good pals yakking n listening to nothing but what i love most - anime-related stuffs

i told my mom. She pushed me even further - she wanted me to go. It's true. If i can go out in the day even when i'm sick, why can't i continue to go at night?

what's there for me? i thought. Off i went. Couldn't find a cab. As time passed, i'd realised i was calm in a more focused n quiet disposition. i managed to have a few-lines-conversation with the taxi driver

not long after i was back on my feet: doing what i do last year: so-called conducting. This time there are people watched my hand as they sing, nice. i'm coughing - i didn't sound like i had one. All i can say is: Divine Intervention?

The more i sang, the more i enjoyed, the more i like. And i was glad i came. Cos i learn valuable lessons about life. Absence renewed my being for being there.

And i even got to talk to the guest speaker and even asked him about his music influences and i managed to tell him mine! He said, "Good choice" something like that. Wow. To hear that from a pro - blown away.

And i got a book with a title that shook the very life out of me - how in the world Gor knows i need that?! It's like he's called to give that book to me!

And even more, i said yes to singing for an event! Jazz genre!!! wow!!! so looking forward to it!!!

glad to say - tadaitma - i'm home

and i'll not quit unless circumstances force me to

and i'll not thinking about quitting

so many times i try to leave yet i'm being called back again and again - something tells me i'm stuck with these two ministries for a long time

yet i'm aware of my own weakness which i'm so not willing to give up, it has to stop one day, but..i just want a bit of what i want..yet holding on cos that's what i need

when i was walking

just be alone

be it then

these words etched in my mind

as i complained to God how alone i was as i was walking

those words spoke

i felt better

i thought i could stand with these words that day but i realised i can't, cos i'd realised how much i'm lacking in their midst - i finally understood why i shouldn't be there that day - but since they were busy among themselves and/or they dun mind so i guess i shouldn't push myself too hard either. i'll try to remind myself to ask if i'm not sure