to quit or not to quit

that is the question

i'm tired i just want to indulge

my studies are taking a toll on me n i need all the time, i hate ministries now cos they've become a hinderance to me now - time's wasted

and to indulge in wat i want to do without any obligations - anime, Japanese, manga drawing..that's what i want..

but one ministry keeps holding me back n i get the feeling that i should stay on there

aaaargh

turn

it was a gloomy weather and the air was so dense that my sensitive lungs and depressed state that slowed me down, couldn't breathe properly due to the high atmospheric pressure, got me more depressed and more stressed that i hadn't been typing everything out

but i had been keeping my friend company smsing, trying my best to cheer him up and preoccupying him while he's stuck in camp - told myself i have the whole day to myself, i can sacrifice this time n continue typing in the wee hours of the morning

thinking very hard at how not to type everything out, how to add extra notes in without first printing the whole sh*t (sorry) out and having to reprint again, thinking if i should get a handphone that works like a Palm to ease the problem but then freaked out at money problems, that i'm alone, i've no one to really talk to and White Day is coming soon n i dun have a boyfriend - why the - i can't stay at home n think? why must i go for meeting cos it's obligatory?

well, because it's OBLIGATORY that i must go and bocs there's Spiritual input - solace for my soul and being together in the group to be commited in the group. What do i gain from it i won't know - but surely there's some reward for my hardwork and dedication to what i've been typing since last Thursday!

i did my best to smile, to participate and control my emotions but really i'm haywired with all the problems. There are some humourous reactions from people when i try to smile as i said some things and i breathed an inner sigh of relief that i'm not desocialising but mentally still in the group

halfway thru' a thought came to me: the reason i'm too stressed up is because i'm not enjoying what i'm doing like i should! if i enjoy i will lighten up and genuinely smile from the depths of my heart and shine and every1 would shine to every1 in response! Thinking of Yu Gi O and how he enjoys his card battles although he's battling very high-levelled opponents - i felt ashamed cos i used to learn and live out the anime's morals which are all good

but i used my untreated disassociation as an excuse to desocialise from someone who - did things to me which i'm still traumatised about - and my mom cos i dun understand what was going on with her n i need all the time to think my problems n listen to the edited mp3s i did - yet i tried my very best not to vent my frustrations on my mum - i did my very best

n to talk nicely - which was the hardest thing to do

then it was back to typing - couldn't escape from it, got to finish it

a cup of coffee to keep me awake, more i know to last me to 3am

mugs of water and another dose of Chinese-medicine-rashes-pills with all the problems in my head - i didn't how i got the "i dun have boyfriend" completely out of my head - all i did was i told myself to focus entirely on typing the whole thing out

then solutions started pouring in, one after another!

but the best thing is i didn't blame myself (i would do that very badly, cursing myself for being such a slow developer while friends ten years my junior are so much quicker and cleverer)

in the end, i decided to dedicate fighting my sleep to do this final entry of the day - uh, morning - XD to God

cos without Him, i wouldn't be what i am now

i'm not sure..

but..i have the gift of giving? well it seems that way..thing is: things i bought i dun normally keep to myself - in my opinion of what can be shared and not be shared [eg some females would show their lingerie purchase-bag(s!) and most may not] and would show to my friends to share the joy and let them have a try or i would use (at the moment it's still minus lingerie) what i have for the benefit of others, eg i have a printer, i print a document for my friends who doesn't have a printer)

it's not out of obligation - it's natural for me to share what can be shared and do what i can do

but it's a matter of balancing my concern for others and for myself that i have a problem with cos i find myself in extremes: too much for others neglecting myself which i'm not aware of and shutting out for a period of time

but no matter what, i had a good day today, there were things that were cleared and my heart feels so much lighter :3

today

Benny called, asked me if i'm going. i said no cos i'm still coughing. And he's off home for two weeks. Nice of him to call. But i was peeved - cos i was ready to quit - why borther me? And i'm outside with two of my good pals yakking n listening to nothing but what i love most - anime-related stuffs

i told my mom. She pushed me even further - she wanted me to go. It's true. If i can go out in the day even when i'm sick, why can't i continue to go at night?

what's there for me? i thought. Off i went. Couldn't find a cab. As time passed, i'd realised i was calm in a more focused n quiet disposition. i managed to have a few-lines-conversation with the taxi driver

not long after i was back on my feet: doing what i do last year: so-called conducting. This time there are people watched my hand as they sing, nice. i'm coughing - i didn't sound like i had one. All i can say is: Divine Intervention?

The more i sang, the more i enjoyed, the more i like. And i was glad i came. Cos i learn valuable lessons about life. Absence renewed my being for being there.

And i even got to talk to the guest speaker and even asked him about his music influences and i managed to tell him mine! He said, "Good choice" something like that. Wow. To hear that from a pro - blown away.

And i got a book with a title that shook the very life out of me - how in the world Gor knows i need that?! It's like he's called to give that book to me!

And even more, i said yes to singing for an event! Jazz genre!!! wow!!! so looking forward to it!!!

glad to say - tadaitma - i'm home

and i'll not quit unless circumstances force me to

and i'll not thinking about quitting

so many times i try to leave yet i'm being called back again and again - something tells me i'm stuck with these two ministries for a long time

yet i'm aware of my own weakness which i'm so not willing to give up, it has to stop one day, but..i just want a bit of what i want..yet holding on cos that's what i need

when i was walking

just be alone

be it then

these words etched in my mind

as i complained to God how alone i was as i was walking

those words spoke

i felt better

i thought i could stand with these words that day but i realised i can't, cos i'd realised how much i'm lacking in their midst - i finally understood why i shouldn't be there that day - but since they were busy among themselves and/or they dun mind so i guess i shouldn't push myself too hard either. i'll try to remind myself to ask if i'm not sure

slap me

i read Pap's blog - and i thought i felt my heart TUD to the bottom. The lady who was killed in the Mumbai terrorism-hostage was someone from our faith: someone of a someone of a someone whom Paps knew although not personally.

It didn't hit me full force when i read another link which reflected on the sudden news.

Although i don't know the victim, it felt as if i'm close to her, especially when i realised how close she is - in Faith. That made me realise how serious how universal how close how united how warm Roman Catholics here are.

God will always Aid us, even when we are astray, as long as we keep our hearts open and be repentant.

panic

i feel so bad for my mom. She tried so hard in buying Taize CDs for me as i was complaining i do not have the CDs to listen for Taize. The first one she bought didn't have the songs i want. The second one she bought i thought there's a problem with the recording. I was wondering if i could tweak the 'sound' buttons of the CD player. Thank God it sounded so much better.

But I dun understand why when i got the songs i want ended up in solo improvisions n not the original score...

i have no time to figure this Friday's Taize songs..panic..