tired burn out

thank me? i'm dead

it has come to a point that I'M TIRED and i'm looking forward to leave

loads off back

it's hard to say no. it's hard to see everyone pushing all responsibilites, expecting us to refill the position

But it is time

Time to step down, let those who have been relying too much on us to run their own show now

and it's even more frustration that they still find excuses to get me involved when ALL that i've done has been clearly explained and re-explained for the umpteenth time, adding "I'M OUT" as an ending to my sentence

although i still grumble that i still have an extra duty as an ordinary member but that's okay cos' i kinda figured that's not too much of a hassle anyway as i'm not going to be so involved like i used to

i was "whining" to my 2nd Spiritual Director why do i have to tell - step-by-step - the ex-leader how to do handover?

My 2nd Spiritual Director smiled brightly at me and said,"You did well." and i duno wat else he teased me with

standing away from him at an arm's length respectfully, i reached out and grabbed a small portion onto his long robe-sleeve and hanged my head and *whined* XD

but his "You did well." was the turning focal point in my life there - a recognition of all that i've sacrificed for the day: my studies, my other ministry duties

and that day was a day of surprises...i got to meet Vik, Brother Lionel (sigh, his email..grr), got teased by Fr. JW (nya as usual XD!!!!), ate great cakes and drank superb coffee, talked to Brother Derrick about anime n manga..he got to learn about yuri, yaoi and shounen-ai and BL and kansai-ben and we saw how they played with their dogs!!! We also got to see the bakery and sampled a few buns!!!!!! i got to see another friend of mine - so long din see her - KYAAA!!!

so, the other ministry...my resignation's approved but as to when's my last day i still need to ask our leader if my help's still needed - but i'd rather stick to the original date like i've initiated

Decision

i've made up my mind: minus one ministry, minus one core, no matter what..bcos in the end it is not exactly part of the community, i'm just...an extra.

And it's better that way cos i don't want to be involved in their petty exchanges and lack of enthusiasim..i've poured too many concerns on them - it's time i poured concerns into myself and concentrate on what i really wanna do

and pass my exams

sigh

no wonder i got no replies from my spiritual directors...

"you're adult, mature enough to make your own decisions." was Shimp'-sama's reply (Ivan sent to heaven - die laughing!!!! meow miss uuuuuu :3)

then, for every human, to take every consequence as it comes

i really duno how to handle, i duno wat decision to make

to quit or not to quit

that is the question

i'm tired i just want to indulge

my studies are taking a toll on me n i need all the time, i hate ministries now cos they've become a hinderance to me now - time's wasted

and to indulge in wat i want to do without any obligations - anime, Japanese, manga drawing..that's what i want..

but one ministry keeps holding me back n i get the feeling that i should stay on there

aaaargh

turn

it was a gloomy weather and the air was so dense that my sensitive lungs and depressed state that slowed me down, couldn't breathe properly due to the high atmospheric pressure, got me more depressed and more stressed that i hadn't been typing everything out

but i had been keeping my friend company smsing, trying my best to cheer him up and preoccupying him while he's stuck in camp - told myself i have the whole day to myself, i can sacrifice this time n continue typing in the wee hours of the morning

thinking very hard at how not to type everything out, how to add extra notes in without first printing the whole sh*t (sorry) out and having to reprint again, thinking if i should get a handphone that works like a Palm to ease the problem but then freaked out at money problems, that i'm alone, i've no one to really talk to and White Day is coming soon n i dun have a boyfriend - why the - i can't stay at home n think? why must i go for meeting cos it's obligatory?

well, because it's OBLIGATORY that i must go and bocs there's Spiritual input - solace for my soul and being together in the group to be commited in the group. What do i gain from it i won't know - but surely there's some reward for my hardwork and dedication to what i've been typing since last Thursday!

i did my best to smile, to participate and control my emotions but really i'm haywired with all the problems. There are some humourous reactions from people when i try to smile as i said some things and i breathed an inner sigh of relief that i'm not desocialising but mentally still in the group

halfway thru' a thought came to me: the reason i'm too stressed up is because i'm not enjoying what i'm doing like i should! if i enjoy i will lighten up and genuinely smile from the depths of my heart and shine and every1 would shine to every1 in response! Thinking of Yu Gi O and how he enjoys his card battles although he's battling very high-levelled opponents - i felt ashamed cos i used to learn and live out the anime's morals which are all good

but i used my untreated disassociation as an excuse to desocialise from someone who - did things to me which i'm still traumatised about - and my mom cos i dun understand what was going on with her n i need all the time to think my problems n listen to the edited mp3s i did - yet i tried my very best not to vent my frustrations on my mum - i did my very best

n to talk nicely - which was the hardest thing to do

then it was back to typing - couldn't escape from it, got to finish it

a cup of coffee to keep me awake, more i know to last me to 3am

mugs of water and another dose of Chinese-medicine-rashes-pills with all the problems in my head - i didn't how i got the "i dun have boyfriend" completely out of my head - all i did was i told myself to focus entirely on typing the whole thing out

then solutions started pouring in, one after another!

but the best thing is i didn't blame myself (i would do that very badly, cursing myself for being such a slow developer while friends ten years my junior are so much quicker and cleverer)

in the end, i decided to dedicate fighting my sleep to do this final entry of the day - uh, morning - XD to God

cos without Him, i wouldn't be what i am now

i'm not sure..

but..i have the gift of giving? well it seems that way..thing is: things i bought i dun normally keep to myself - in my opinion of what can be shared and not be shared [eg some females would show their lingerie purchase-bag(s!) and most may not] and would show to my friends to share the joy and let them have a try or i would use (at the moment it's still minus lingerie) what i have for the benefit of others, eg i have a printer, i print a document for my friends who doesn't have a printer)

it's not out of obligation - it's natural for me to share what can be shared and do what i can do

but it's a matter of balancing my concern for others and for myself that i have a problem with cos i find myself in extremes: too much for others neglecting myself which i'm not aware of and shutting out for a period of time

but no matter what, i had a good day today, there were things that were cleared and my heart feels so much lighter :3