today

Benny called, asked me if i'm going. i said no cos i'm still coughing. And he's off home for two weeks. Nice of him to call. But i was peeved - cos i was ready to quit - why borther me? And i'm outside with two of my good pals yakking n listening to nothing but what i love most - anime-related stuffs

i told my mom. She pushed me even further - she wanted me to go. It's true. If i can go out in the day even when i'm sick, why can't i continue to go at night?

what's there for me? i thought. Off i went. Couldn't find a cab. As time passed, i'd realised i was calm in a more focused n quiet disposition. i managed to have a few-lines-conversation with the taxi driver

not long after i was back on my feet: doing what i do last year: so-called conducting. This time there are people watched my hand as they sing, nice. i'm coughing - i didn't sound like i had one. All i can say is: Divine Intervention?

The more i sang, the more i enjoyed, the more i like. And i was glad i came. Cos i learn valuable lessons about life. Absence renewed my being for being there.

And i even got to talk to the guest speaker and even asked him about his music influences and i managed to tell him mine! He said, "Good choice" something like that. Wow. To hear that from a pro - blown away.

And i got a book with a title that shook the very life out of me - how in the world Gor knows i need that?! It's like he's called to give that book to me!

And even more, i said yes to singing for an event! Jazz genre!!! wow!!! so looking forward to it!!!

glad to say - tadaitma - i'm home

and i'll not quit unless circumstances force me to

and i'll not thinking about quitting

so many times i try to leave yet i'm being called back again and again - something tells me i'm stuck with these two ministries for a long time

yet i'm aware of my own weakness which i'm so not willing to give up, it has to stop one day, but..i just want a bit of what i want..yet holding on cos that's what i need

when i was walking

just be alone

be it then

these words etched in my mind

as i complained to God how alone i was as i was walking

those words spoke

i felt better

i thought i could stand with these words that day but i realised i can't, cos i'd realised how much i'm lacking in their midst - i finally understood why i shouldn't be there that day - but since they were busy among themselves and/or they dun mind so i guess i shouldn't push myself too hard either. i'll try to remind myself to ask if i'm not sure

slap me

i read Pap's blog - and i thought i felt my heart TUD to the bottom. The lady who was killed in the Mumbai terrorism-hostage was someone from our faith: someone of a someone of a someone whom Paps knew although not personally.

It didn't hit me full force when i read another link which reflected on the sudden news.

Although i don't know the victim, it felt as if i'm close to her, especially when i realised how close she is - in Faith. That made me realise how serious how universal how close how united how warm Roman Catholics here are.

God will always Aid us, even when we are astray, as long as we keep our hearts open and be repentant.

panic

i feel so bad for my mom. She tried so hard in buying Taize CDs for me as i was complaining i do not have the CDs to listen for Taize. The first one she bought didn't have the songs i want. The second one she bought i thought there's a problem with the recording. I was wondering if i could tweak the 'sound' buttons of the CD player. Thank God it sounded so much better.

But I dun understand why when i got the songs i want ended up in solo improvisions n not the original score...

i have no time to figure this Friday's Taize songs..panic..

another mech story

please click here to read, comments please if any :3

a typical conversation

"It's a hassle to push my specs up all the time. I wanna change to contact lens."
"How much is it?"
"$500"
"Just one small action only..(push up specs)"

she's right but i told her of my oily skin problem...so i guess...not that i want to, it has come to a point when i cannot avoid the fact that i have an oily skin problem which my specs - no matter how tight they are - they keep sliding down and now i'm pushing up my new specs more than ever. Let my eyes get used to my new specs first. When i get a job, all works well, den my lenses.

for sure ;)

Cantor...?

just play around with the notes of the verse as i was told ;) i thought i stood tall there..but there's a huge responsibility being singled out..being singled out is not what i like, let alone the responsibility!

what hav i been up to lately..

being cut off got me running on things to do. Fragments of memories here and there but i'd like to think of it as good. My world revovles around my life now. Everytime the same thought pops up i just tell myself i'm chasing my childhood dream, not for anybody else. It does sound selfish but i wasn't aware that i had been linking from one thing to another too much. It took someone to tell me to stop linking n relating that got me to drop links, should we say

yet i still wonder where do i stand now, i'm trying to come to terms in accepting wat i cannot comprehend nor interpret in my own way

but it's true - where's my self-worth now? up til now i haven't thought much about it cos i wasn't aware. As much i would like to lean emotionally but i can't - i'm force to rip myself - like a velcro - away from this search for emotional depend-on

somehow i'll find it - my self-worth. And stand up to all n say, "Hey, i did for myself."