why?

why always "no"?

why can't i be a kid?

why can't i be selfish like everyone else is?

why must i grow up?

i feel like a fish thrashing about when it's caught up in the net. Once swimming in its own waters, having its own way of dealing thing suddenly exposed - painfully, unable to breathe in its own waters again

but the Fisherman who Caught me Knows Better. He Knows that I'll grow better out of my cluster of thorns as I thrash about, learning to deal in new waters

it's a matter of me accepting - and trusting - that fact

Da

made all the effort to go early

spent some time in silence

got one whole day of fabulous time-arrangement

i don't really need to lift much of my fingers

all i did was to do my best

Thank You for them, Da

Thank You

tired burn out

thank me? i'm dead

it has come to a point that I'M TIRED and i'm looking forward to leave

loads off back

it's hard to say no. it's hard to see everyone pushing all responsibilites, expecting us to refill the position

But it is time

Time to step down, let those who have been relying too much on us to run their own show now

and it's even more frustration that they still find excuses to get me involved when ALL that i've done has been clearly explained and re-explained for the umpteenth time, adding "I'M OUT" as an ending to my sentence

although i still grumble that i still have an extra duty as an ordinary member but that's okay cos' i kinda figured that's not too much of a hassle anyway as i'm not going to be so involved like i used to

i was "whining" to my 2nd Spiritual Director why do i have to tell - step-by-step - the ex-leader how to do handover?

My 2nd Spiritual Director smiled brightly at me and said,"You did well." and i duno wat else he teased me with

standing away from him at an arm's length respectfully, i reached out and grabbed a small portion onto his long robe-sleeve and hanged my head and *whined* XD

but his "You did well." was the turning focal point in my life there - a recognition of all that i've sacrificed for the day: my studies, my other ministry duties

and that day was a day of surprises...i got to meet Vik, Brother Lionel (sigh, his email..grr), got teased by Fr. JW (nya as usual XD!!!!), ate great cakes and drank superb coffee, talked to Brother Derrick about anime n manga..he got to learn about yuri, yaoi and shounen-ai and BL and kansai-ben and we saw how they played with their dogs!!! We also got to see the bakery and sampled a few buns!!!!!! i got to see another friend of mine - so long din see her - KYAAA!!!

so, the other ministry...my resignation's approved but as to when's my last day i still need to ask our leader if my help's still needed - but i'd rather stick to the original date like i've initiated

Decision

i've made up my mind: minus one ministry, minus one core, no matter what..bcos in the end it is not exactly part of the community, i'm just...an extra.

And it's better that way cos i don't want to be involved in their petty exchanges and lack of enthusiasim..i've poured too many concerns on them - it's time i poured concerns into myself and concentrate on what i really wanna do

and pass my exams

sigh

no wonder i got no replies from my spiritual directors...

"you're adult, mature enough to make your own decisions." was Shimp'-sama's reply (Ivan sent to heaven - die laughing!!!! meow miss uuuuuu :3)

then, for every human, to take every consequence as it comes

i really duno how to handle, i duno wat decision to make

to quit or not to quit

that is the question

i'm tired i just want to indulge

my studies are taking a toll on me n i need all the time, i hate ministries now cos they've become a hinderance to me now - time's wasted

and to indulge in wat i want to do without any obligations - anime, Japanese, manga drawing..that's what i want..

but one ministry keeps holding me back n i get the feeling that i should stay on there

aaaargh